Tschüss morgen küss...

I promised you in a poem...


I was sleeping, didn't wanted to take brakefast with my Flasche that morning, I stayed in bed, or went back, after give him his coffee and toasts with butter & honey, both options fit in my memory now..., but I remember me in the bed, he making noises wearing his jacket and fitting the shoes, coming close to the bedroom saying "by honey", I make silence, then, the noises taking his bag, going to the door, turning the locker to open it and making a second..., opening it..., and I remember the promise  I made in that poem "(...) My morning-goodbye kisses to you, | always save two second and energy for that. (...)", was the invitation to my life's party..., so I got up in my two feets, and arrived behind him in silence, then I kiss his back... Then he went to the world... I have always tried to be the one that I offered to him, I offered a loving me, and that was my choose, everytime that I got a second to decide what to do.

I still waking up all this time too far away of our days of love..., and like nothing happened my body tell me that I'm not doing what I have promised...

Blutergüsse unter den Flügeln.

Gemütlichen Schlaf für immer...


There is a part of love someone, that is not nice, is not cute, is not easy, or easy to understand when you never experienced that: the violence. Why not open your wings and fly away? Why give another chance? Why you stay with a monster...? Because of the promise. Because of a commitment, because of the dreams..., and for some people, because of fear.

I have loved a Monster, when he wasn't a Monster, "The Monster", and then, when I have bruises inside of my ears after his words, after he threat me, I denied it to myself: "HE WAS MY LOVE! HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVE ME! He can't..., he can't be bad (please God...!)" I repeat to myself to have energy. But after the words, came the bruises in my wrists..., the proof! But I got to flew away and I thought his own words: it was my fault, no one else make him so anger, so violent, was my fault discover his planning in the shadows, his betraying me, his lies! Difficult to understand, but he... He love me, I repeat to myself, he repeated to me, and then, how...? Why...? Not! Must be my mistake... and I learn, I learn to try, try to be better, try to have faith on a man (you should trust, no have faith, on a simple human), but, this man.., it sound like a joke, he was too stupid, and I always discovered his lies, how not to do it? He make me discover the lies, and then more bruises..., in my arms, in the side of my breasts,  because he grab me with his hands, you could see his fingers like black draws in my arms in the middle of my shoulders and my elbow, a bit more close of the shoulder..., and in the side of my breasts, because he grab me soooo tie by my arms that the force press the rest. And right there I hide his anger, his violence, I covered it with my guilt, I covered them with my love, my patience, my commitment, my hope, hundred of prays... "I AM A STRONG SPATZ! HE COUNT ON ME!" ... And he came back home every evening and told me that he love me, and that I am strong. He told those things to damage me, to see how much bruises can I make sleep under the feathers of my wings... One day I could not anymore, I wanted to fly light, only with my soul, leave that useless body. I slept in his arms, sure of never wake up again, but there is always a new morning! And we waked up, and he blamed me, and no matter that I wanted to be a dead Spatzi, he told me that with this I damaged him so much..., that with this I lost him..., that he cannot trust in me anymore, that he saw me when I was not breathing 3 or 4 times that night..., but he is a stupid Flasche, and did never thought why he didn't took me to the hospital, so when I asked "why?" he lookt at me impressed, and after silence he got mas, and say I was not respecting him with this question... I waked up in his bed.

                                                           

To look your body with bruises with the shape of the hands that supposed to save you from the world, is a real hard fact to contemplate. To survive, you have to talk, you have to embrace yourself, you have to forgive you and know that the aggressor is the aggressor, and the victim is the victim, that the aggressor will always blame you, and will always use your love against you. To survive you have yo live yourself, with mercy, because you let it happens to you, but, Love is good, trust is good, bruises in your body is unacceptable, violence: psychological, physical and  economical, is unacceptable! You did good, love your history, build your freedom, forgive yourself if it keep hurting, if you still missing The Monster, if you could take hundreds of more bruises, if only one day they stop..., because you have hope, but, BUT! Remember, it never stop!

You are not stupid, you are kind and well intended. You only need time to be free again, that day will arrive. You took a monster WITH A PROMISE into your life, you never took only a MONSTER, and you are trustable. Just keep breathing, some days , time..., if you open your eyes, drink water, eat a bit, and breath you are the superheroe that you need, and you save yourself, for a new day, smile inside, even when you only wanna scream and cry outside, even when your hands are shaking, even when is nobody there for you... A secret? The body gets tired, and at some point will move to do something, smile again, again inside, let your body do, let your soul do.

And the bruises will sleep for ever under your wings, sometime they will hurt again, sometime you will sing lullabies so they sleep peacefully and warm, sometimes you just hide them..., this Spatz struggle with them, everytime when I open my wings and flies crossing the wind, with the wind...

The bruises under your wings may never
 disappear, they are part of you, be
tender with you, complete: Love! Win...!

Das Wortschatz.

Tesoro de palabras.

I love German on the sweetness of the construction of the words, the meanings, they peak this and that and find a wonderful message, a sweet one... Diccionario|Dictionary|Wortschatz...

And sometimes the treasure is gone, is under the sea, lost, it's in the five kilometer counting on the 36 degree of south latitude and in the 3rd tree from there, two meters under the earth... People is lost... Cannot communicate anymore.

Maybe because of my Spatz nature, but I cannot understand the dissonance between the reality that we know, and the sounds that make our voice... Why to waste the possibility of been happy. I can't. Thought, in this world, I am the wrong one. This is a world for liar humans, not for birds, not for simple small grey little birds. When I love, I say that to my love, and I do everything that is needed to see him smile, but I never had that back. People fight to be right, and when is no confrontation, they create one, and then they polarize visions, and create sadness..., I don't; I see no reason for that.

In the days of my life, I got  something to learn: mein Flasche told me once that we "should have a conversation without fears", surprise! I always talk open and without fears with him, is my gift to him, is my vow of hope on the love I felt once for him..., the conversation did never arrived, of course he say that I had not enough patience, but the true is that he is a passive aggressive, classic pathological narcissistic blue Flasche, so... I did wait. More than normal (I have the insane tendency to blame my self over the accurate line). Well, first weeks I felt bad, mad, sad, then I slept two days, almost complete, because I could not breath... Why, he proposed to talk to me "withouth fears" and then delay and delay me..., I felt like a bug, in the floor of the house of an insect who lives in the trash can of a Chinese market in London (really yacks!), I felt like the last thing in this world, because he always do that to me, he say "I can't talk now because I did talk too much today" (????!!!!), "oh, I can't talk now because I have to eat", "I will answer nothing on what you say, because I need time to think (and never ever answered)". But in every minute, he say "I love you". Well Spatz, women and men of the world: I realized that HE COULD NOT TALK WITHOUT FEARS WITH ME!!! That was the reason! It was not my fault, not my problem... Even when he try to make me feel like trash: he is the limited one... 

I have opened my wings and fly... No matter how many words I have used to him, how much of the treasure of words I have painted for him, how many poems I have wrote to draw my heart to him, how beauty they were... There is not wortshatz  that can communicate back to yourself. The problem for this Spatz (yes me), is that she has the Flasche feedback and the lucky of the Flasche is that he has the tender sweet Spatz. Is not possible find equilibrium there, is not space for fair...

Mag ich das wortschatz, to let your (mine) hart to be read... 

I give you my word's treasure, and feel good loving 

in the words...