Thursday, February 5, 2015

Blutergüsse unter den Flügeln.

Gemütlichen Schlaf für immer...

There is a part of love someone, that is not nice, is not cute, is not easy, or easy to understand when you never experienced that: the violence. Why not open your wings and fly away? Why give another chance? Why you stay with a monster...? Because of the promise. Because of a commitment, because of the dreams..., and for some people, because of fear.

I have loved a Monster, when he wasn't a Monster, "The Monster", and then, when I have bruises inside of my ears after his words, after he threat me, I denied it to myself: "HE WAS MY LOVE! HE TOLD ME THAT HE LOVE ME! He can't..., he can't be bad (please God...!)" I repeat to myself to have energy. But after the words, came the bruises in my wrists..., the proof! But I got to flew away and I thought his own words: it was my fault, no one else make him so anger, so violent, was my fault discover his planning in the shadows, his betraying me, his lies! Difficult to understand, but he... He love me, I repeat to myself, he repeated to me, and then, how...? Why...? Not! Must be my mistake... and I learn, I learn to try, try to be better, try to have faith on a man (you should trust, no have faith, on a simple human), but, this man.., it sound like a joke, he was too stupid, and I always discovered his lies, how not to do it? He make me discover the lies, and then more bruises..., in my arms, in the side of my breasts,  because he grab me with his hands, you could see his fingers like black draws in my arms in the middle of my shoulders and my elbow, a bit more close of the shoulder..., and in the side of my breasts, because he grab me soooo tie by my arms that the force press the rest. And right there I hide his anger, his violence, I covered it with my guilt, I covered them with my love, my patience, my commitment, my hope, hundred of prays... "I AM A STRONG SPATZ! HE COUNT ON ME!" ... And he came back home every evening and told me that he love me, and that I am strong. He told those things to damage me, to see how much bruises can I make sleep under the feathers of my wings... One day I could not anymore, I wanted to fly light, only with my soul, leave that useless body. I slept in his arms, sure of never wake up again, but there is always a new morning! And we waked up, and he blamed me, and no matter that I wanted to be a dead Spatzi, he told me that with this I damaged him so much..., that with this I lost him..., that he cannot trust in me anymore, that he saw me when I was not breathing 3 or 4 times that night..., but he is a stupid Flasche, and did never thought why he didn't took me to the hospital, so when I asked "why?" he lookt at me impressed, and after silence he got mas, and say I was not respecting him with this question... I waked up in his bed.
To look your body with bruises with the shape of the hands that supposed to save you from the world, is a real hard fact to contemplate. To survive, you have to talk, you have to embrace yourself, you have to forgive you and know that the aggressor is the aggressor, and the victim is the victim, that the aggressor will always blame you, and will always use your love against you. To survive you have yo live yourself, with mercy, because you let it happens to you, but, Love is good, trust is good, bruises in your body is unacceptable, violence: psychological, physical and  economical, is unacceptable! You did good, love your history, build your freedom, forgive yourself if it keep hurting, if you still missing The Monster, if you could take hundreds of more bruises, if only one day they stop..., because you have hope, but, BUT! Remember, it never stop!

You are not stupid, you are kind and well intended. You only need time to be free again, that day will arrive. You took a monster WITH A PROMISE into your life, you never took only a MONSTER, and you are trustable. Just keep breathing, some days , time..., if you open your eyes, drink water, eat a bit, and breath you are the superheroe that you need, and you save yourself, for a new day, smile inside, even when you only wanna scream and cry outside, even when your hands are shaking, even when is nobody there for you... A secret? The body gets tired, and at some point will move to do something, smile again, again inside, let your body do, let your soul do.

And the bruises will sleep for ever under your wings, sometime they will hurt again, sometime you will sing lullabies so they sleep peacefully and warm, sometimes you just hide them..., this Spatz struggle with them, everytime when I open my wings and flies crossing the wind, with the wind...

The bruises under your wings may never
 disappear, they are part of you, be
tender with you, complete: Love! Win...!

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